Evil Weevil
by Kawoosh is Obsessed
Summary: A series of challenges responses. Generally rated K but there is some minor swearing in Story 3. Now finished.
1. Evil Weevil

These fics are in response to a challenge on the Torchwood Australia Forums

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Challenge One: Create a story using the following line:

The Evil Weevil, a weevily evil expression in its weevily evil weevil eye, evilly weevily weaves toward the group.

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The Evil Weevil, a weevily evil expression in its weevily evil weevil eye, evilly weevily weaves toward the group.

Owen blinks, rubs his eye, and blinks again. Then he looks at the table in front of him and carefully counts the empty glasses on it. 32. Right. Jack is going to kill him when he finds out that he's taken Janet down to the pub and gotten her drunk.

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	2. Coat Stand

These fics are in response to a challenge on the Torchwood Australia Forums

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Create a story using the following line:

Well, you know what they say ... about a hard man being good to find!

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**"Coat Stand"**

Gwen and Tosh stood and stared at the thing in front of them. It was Owen. Petrified. Stock still, rock hard (as you would be if you had been turned to stone) and perfectly preserved in the act of looking into the funny little alien artefact he'd been studying.

'Well,' said Gwen 'you know what they say…'

Tosh looked at her quizzically.

'About a hard man being good to find…' finished Gwen hesitantly.

"Yes...' murmured Tosh, 'Well I suppose he'll make a good coat stand for Jack.'

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	3. Kiss My XXXX

These fics are in response to a challenge on the Torchwood Australia Forums.

I'd like to say thank you to QuantamLibrarian at the Torchwood Australia Forums, without her original story and subsequent challenge none of these would have been written!

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Challenge Three: Create a story using the following line:

"Well, Owen could pucker up"

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Jack slammed the phone down and stormed out of his office, muttering curses and obscenities as he headed towards the coffee room.

"Something wrong Jack?" Ianto asked, with a concerned tone to his voice, as he handed his boss a coffee.

"Damned Prime Minister thinks he actually has a say in what Torchwood does. Thinks that he needs to know what we do, what goes on. Thinks that we need to be more accountable!" Jack slumped on the bench dejectedly, sipping at his coffee.

"All he really wants is someone to kiss his arse and tell him that everything's fine." Jack stopped for breath, still glowering into his coffee.

"Well," Ianto pondered, "Owen could pucker up."

Jack glared at Ianto. Then thought it over… hmmm, maybe there were possiblities there…

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	4. Tea and Bikkies

These fics are in response to a challenge on the Torchwood Australia Forums

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Challenge Four: Create a story using the following line:

"I hate to say this but it looks like we've got a bit of a Weevil problem."

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Tosh peered into the biscuit tin. Hmm, what did she feel like today? Chocolate chip? Something shortbready? Ooh, maybe there were still some cream biscuits left, although considering Owen had worked late last night that was unlikely. She dug deeper into the tin, trying to find something that would just hit the spot nicely. Drat. Nothing left but plain biscuits and crumbs.

She put the tin down and opened the cupboard, still hunting for something to nibble on. Pushing aside assorted tins and packages she discovered a large old tin right at the back of the cupboard that she didn't remember seeing before and pulled it out.

"Can I help you?"

Tosh turned around startled as Ianto came into the coffee room.

"Oh, I'm just trying to find something to nibble on with my coffee, and I found this at the back of the cupboard. I don't think I've ever seen it before though."

Tosh waved the tin in Ianto's direction before putting it on the benchtop next to the other biscuit tin.

"Hmm, I can't recall having seen that one before either." Ianto inspected the tin closely, and then put it back down on the bench. "You'll be lucky to get that open, it's so rusty that the lid is almost a part of the tin."

Tosh was rummaging in the cutlery drawer for something to open it with, and pulled out a sturdy butter knife.

"You don't really think that opening it is a good idea do you Tosh?" Ianto asked as she attacked the tin with gusto. "I mean, it's obviously so old that whatever was in it originally is probably just dust now."

Tosh heaved at the lid with the knife, which slowly bent out of shape as it failed miserably to get the lid off of the tin.

"You're probably right," Tosh replied, "but I'm curious now. I wonder how long exactly it's been there for?"

Ianto shrugged, "No idea, but I have to go out soon, so I'll get some more biscuits whilst I'm gone, anything in particular you'd like?"

Tosh was still occupied with the stubborn tin, "Oh, whatever will do." she replied distractedly, as she picked up the tin and headed out of the room. "Maybe there's something in the hub that will get this open." she muttered as she wandered off.

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Jack was wandering past the CCTV screens when he noticed Toshiko down near the cells trying to pry open a tin with a crowbar. He cursed as he recognised the tin and raced as fast as he could down to the cells.

He skidded through the door and came to a sudden stop as with a glance he took in the situation in the room. Toshiko had finally gotten the tin open, and somehow all the doors were unlocked and every single Weevil that they were currently holding was crowded around Tosh and the tin. The Weevil closest to her carefully took the tin out of her hand and started passing around the contents. Shortly, all the Weevils were munching happily on the ancient biscuits, and Jack and Tosh slowly backed out of the room and locked the door behind them.

"I hate to say this but it looks like we've got a bit of a Weevil problem." Toshiko said nervously as Jack glared at her.

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	5. No Thanks!

These fics are in response to a challenge on the Torchwood Australia Forums

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Challenge Five: Create a story using the following line:

"God, no! Errr, I mean ... thanks for the offer, but no thanks."

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"God, no! Errr, I mean ... thanks for the offer, but no thanks." Gwen looked flustered as she declined Jacks' offer.

"Oh come on, it'll be fun." Jack's eyes twinkled with barely contained laughter as Gwen shook her head vehemently, and looked pleadingly at Tosh for help.

"Don't look at me," Tosh swung off her chair and headed for the door, "I have other plans already. I'll see you tomorrow." She grabbed her bag and coat and disappeared as quickly as she could.

"Hang on Tosh!" Owen also grabbed his things and raced after Tosh, "No way I'm getting involved with this, it's just not right."

"Ianto, what about you? Are you willing to join us?" Jack winked at Ianto who gazed back at him calmly before shifting his gaze to Gwen.

"Sorry sir but I think I'll pass this time. Maybe next time."

Gwen's face was looking more and more worried as the rest of the team deserted her, leaving her alone with Jack and his ridiculous proposition. She slowly began to back towards the door, wondering if she would make it out or if she was already doomed.

"Really Jack, I'm flattered, a-and overwhelmed... but... but..." Gwen grasped desperately for a way out, "what about Rhys? I can't leave him at home!"

"Ask him to come along too then, I got enough tickets for everyone, so... " Jack looked around at the empty hub, "I have plenty of spares now." he said, looking at Gwen with hopeful puppy dog eyes.

"Nooo... I don't think... it's really not my thing..." Gwen trailed off, sensing that defeat was imminent.

"Oh come on,' Jack tipped his head to one side and looked at Gwen with a narrowed gaze. "Haven't you ever been to a Spice Girls concert before?"

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	6. Headcount

These fics are in response to a challenge on the Torchwood Australia Forums

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Challenge Six: Create a story using the following line:

Ianto does a quick head count and discounting heads that aren't there right now, comes to a startling conclusion.

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Ianto does a quick head count and discounting heads that aren't there right now, comes to a startling conclusion.

"Ianto, how are we going?" Jack shouts at Ianto as he tries to keep the door closed against the hordes pressing from outside. "Did we all make it?"

Ianto does a quick head count and discounting heads that aren't there right now, comes to a startling conclusion.

So he counts again. And again. But he keeps coming up with the same answer.

"Ianto! I can't hold this much longer!" Jack is straining against the door, and it looks like he won't be able to hold it for much longer.

"Well sir," Ianto says quietly, "either Owen's grown an extra head, or we've managed to get an extra person in here."

"What?" Jack looks around, the door creeps open a bit more, and he hurriedly turns back, leaning against the door with all his weight, "Help me with this." he grunts at Ianto, who manages to find a chair to shove under the handle, and then he and Jack can move the big table in front as well.

Jack leans against the wall trying to get his breath back, "What do you mean there's an extra person in here?" he asked Ianto.

"Well sir, there were about 15 people in the building when the hordes charged, Gwen and Tosh managed to make it out, which left you, Owen and myself to get them all to safety."

Jack looks around the crowded room, "You call this safety?" he quips, as he takes in the lack of windows and other doors.

"Well sir, at least we haven't been ripped to shreds yet." Ianto replies straight faced, then looks down at himself. "Just very wet from the sprinkler system... how did that get set off by the way?" he wonders, and then he shakes himself, and gets back to the subject at hand "Anyway, by my count there should be 17 people in here, but I just counted 18. 3 times."

Jack looks around the room again, "Where is Owen anyway?" he asks, as he peers over the top of all the heads. "I can't see him anywhere..."

Ianto turns into the room and looks, then counts again. His face becomes gradually perplexed as he revises his startling conclusion. "Um, now there are 19 people in here..." he pauses, thinks about what he just said, and then revises the comment, "make that 19 heads in here."

Jack and Ianto exchange worried looks, and then start pushing their way into the crowd looking for Owen. After a few minutes, Ianto lets out a triumphant cry, which suddenly turns into a gasp of shock. "Er, Jack, I think you'd better come see this."

Jack starts shoving his way through the group and then stops suddenly as he sees what Ianto has found.

Ianto is standing in front of Owen, who is leaning heavily against the wall, and leaning against him is a young woman from one of the offices. As Ianto moves out of the way Jack can see that they have both grown an extra head.

As he stares in stunned disbelief Ianto shudders, falls to the ground, screams, and then, like toothpaste being squeezed from the tube, a second head sprouts from his shoulders.

Jack is speechless, and as he looks Owen's original head opens his eyes and says "I think they put something in the water."

One by one the rest of the people in the room are overcome, and finally, Jack feels a strange sensation come over him, and as he falls to the ground, wonders how the hell he's going to fix this one.

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	7. Obedience

These fics are in response to a challenge on the Torchwood Australia Forums

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Challenge Seven: Create a story using the following line:

Jack: You never do what I tell you to. Why start now?

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Jack looked at his team suspiciously.

"You never do what I tell you to. Why start now?"

It had been a very strange day. Firstly, everyone had arrived to work on time for once. Even Owen. And that never happened.

Secondly, every time he'd so much as even started to think about asking someone to do something, someone else had come into his office and announced that it was done. Before he'd even thought it, let alone mentioned it.

And then, when he had managed to come up with something no one else had thought of or done yet, his request had been granted immediately! No arguments, no complaints, no whining!!

There was something very fishy going on here.

"Don't you think you're over reacting a bit Jack?" Ianto asked as he passed around fresh cups of coffee and placed a plate of cake and biscuits in the middle of the table.

Jack looked at him over the rim of his cup with something akin to disbelief in his face.

"It's three o'clock in the afternoon, everything that had to be done today has been done and you're all asking if there's anything else. Doesn't that strike any of you as a bit odd??"

As he sipped at his cup of coffee he didn't notice the furtive looks exchanged by his team as Gwen began to speak.

"You're so suspicious Jack, just because everything's run smoothly for once doesn't mean there's anything unusual going on." she smiled brightly at him and his suspicions immediately deepened. Gwen only ever smiled like that when she was trying to cover something up.

He frowned slightly but before he could say anything everyone's phones rang all at once, and there was a general rush to answer the calls, Ianto answering both his own mobile phone and the internal phone as well.

"Sir, for you." he handed Jack the phone and disappeared out of the room, following the rest of the team who had already made their escapes.

"Captain Jack Harkness."

"Ahh, Captain, this is Detective Kathy Swanson. How is everything there at the moment?" the voice on the other end of the phone was bland and unemotional but Jack sensed that there was an undercurrent of something that he couldn't quite figure out.

"Unusually quiet actually." He replied, "Why, do you have something for us?"

Detective Swanson chuckled, "Possibly. Can you come around straight away?"

"Sure." Jack replied, "What's the address?"

He wrote the address down, chatted aimlessly for a few more minutes and then hung up the phone and bounded out of his office.

"Owen, Gwen, Tosh! We've got a …"

He broke off in mid sentence. The hub was empty. "Ianto?" he trotted down the stairs, "Gwen? Tosh!?"

There was no sign of any of them. They'd all just … disappeared! After several minutes of searching everywhere he could think of he swore copiously and headed for the garage where he jumped in the car and headed off on his own to the address Detective Swanson had given him.

Fifteen minutes later Jack pulled up in front of a dilapidated old house, two stories high, with an over grown garden surrounding it, and no sign of Detective Swanson. He climbed the front steps and knocked on the door, which opened at his touch. He pushed it open carefully, peering cautiously into the entryway. It was empty.

He pulled out his gun and held it carefully in front of him as he made his way down the hall. It was silent in the house, all he could hear was the creaking of the trees against the eaves, the wind whistling past the windows and someone shushing someone else up in front of him somewhere. Hang on, shushing?? There _was_ someone else here!

Jack moved faster, instinctively knowing that all the rooms on the bottom floor of the house were empty. He reached the stairs and hurried up them, his sharp hearing catching hints of whispers and undertones. There was definitely something going on here, and he was going to find out just what it was!

He paused briefly at the top of the stairs, and then turned sharply to his left, followed the short hallway to its end and stopped in front of the large double doors. He waited for a moment, catching his breath and listening carefully. All noises had stopped now, and he wondered if he had imagined the sounds he had heard earlier.

He rested his head gently against the door. He was so over today, his teams' strange behaviour, and this unusual call out from the police of all people. Where was Detective Swanson anyway? Surely she should have arrived by now?

Resisting the urge to bang his head against the door he carefully eased the door knob to the open position, braced himself and took a deep breath, ripped open the door and barged in…

"SURPRISE!!!"

The large room was filled with streamers, balloons, party lights, and someone had even installed a disco ball! His team, Detective Swanson, her team and several other police officers whom they regularly had contact with were standing in the middle of the room, next to a small table on which was sitting a large cake which had several sparklers jauntily sparkling away.

Jack just stood in the doorway as everyone began singing Happy Birthday, and Ianto handed him a hat, a whistle and a sparkler.

"But it's not my birthday?" Jack said in a dazed voice.

"Actually sir," Ianto smirked, tucking his arm through Jack's. "We've no idea when your birthday is, but we figured this was as good a day as any! Come on, there's a Tardis Piñata over here for you to have a bash at."

Ianto carefully removed Jack's gun from his hand and gave him a gentle push into the centre of the room, where he was quickly surrounded by friends and well-wishers. It had been worth all the extra effort of anticipating the boss's orders this morning to see the look on Jack's face when he burst through the door.

Smiling to himself, he followed Jack to the middle of the room where he was being loudly encouraged to cut the cake and make a wish.


	8. Owen

Title: Owen

Series: Part of the Evil Weevil challenge series  
Pairings: none  
Rating: G  
Disclaimer: None of them are mine sniff

This actually belongs before the piñata chapter but I can't be bothered stuffing around and confusing everyone. Enjoy. A new series coming soon!

xxx

"Are you sure there's no aliens here? I mean, look at what that thing is wearing! Come on!" Owen was starting to sound more and more like a 6 year old who really didn't want to go visit Great Aunty Mildred, even if she did always have a good supply of lollies and cake.

Jack looked sideways at Owen, stifled a groan and considered his next words carefully. And decided not to say them. Instead he just walked determinedly back towards the front door. The last half hour had been excruciatingly difficult due to a misunderstanding, Owen, a couple of guns, a spilt cup of coffee, Owen, 2 very large dogs, 4 very large men, Owen, his phone battery suddenly deciding to go flat (he was sure he'd put it on the charger this morning…) and, of course, Owen.

Owen was still talking, but Jack did his best to ignore him, a task made infinitely more difficult by the rising volume of Owen's voice. As his patience finally ran out, he took a deep breath, and turned towards Owen.

"No, I'm not sure there's no aliens here Owen, but considering we've just crashed the meeting of the Cardiff SciFi Anonymous group, the chances are that 99.9 of these things as you so delicately put it, are just people in costumes!"

Jack turned on his heel and stalked away, leaving Owen to stand dumbfounded at his boss's back.

xxx


End file.
